Feeling like there's a dark cloud on top of you can make you blind to the light that's inside of you. As children we don't want to understand all the brokeness around us. We just want to be loved and have adventures. They can be out of those moments but try to make light of the darkness for us.
BE THE PERSON YOUR YOUNGER SELF NEEDED
Welcome to my blog my beautiful people. I want y'all to know that I'll be getting a little real for this blog. Just remember that there is sunshine after the rain. Everything made me who I am today.
Let's go to memory lane and pull out the 5 year out Denise for this one. At 5 years old I was living in Mexico with my grandparents while my mom was in the USA with my dad. Knowing now I know she would never leave her kids behind but having an abusive, controlling husband made it hard to make her own decisions. Me and my brother were there for about 6 months till we came to the USA too. I don't really remember much from my time there but i do remember two things that I guess I can't erase. One was me being chased by a baby cow and another a bit dark. I can't believe I'm going to write this but... the other thing I remember is a man touching me and I was crying. I remember screaming and a woman looking at me straight in the eyes laughing with the guy. I have an idea on who it might be but I'm not ready to say that yet. I rarely go back to my memories memories because I'm so good at thinking about my future and I've built a defence mechanism to help me create a better tomorrow. After that I don't remember much more because I was just ready to come be with my mom and be "protected" or I thought.
My baby brother and I in Mexico
“ I can't understand how a mother can "chose" to be away from their children. I don't blame my mom because I know how abusive my dad was.I pray for the protection of my future children now.”
Moving to the USA was both exciting and scary. I imagined it to be playground with clean everything !! lol that definitely wasn't the case. Everything else was as expected. there was blond people who looked rich and they turned out to be super nice. I even got to play with white kids on my first day in America! " we stopped at Mcdonalds the first day".
Me and my brother playing @ Mcdonalds
You won't believe what happened 3 days after getting to my mom's apartment. Guys we got robbed at gunpoint. How crazy is that!! I thought America was so advanced that while my mom was getting robbed I thought the phone was to advanced and not like the ones in Mexico. I was too scared to answer it. Thank God nothing bad happened to us but I felt so useless after. I had high expectations America. I sure did learn not to get comfortable fast.
Having an abusive father
After getting robbed I really don't remember much. We did a lot of moving while still with my dad and as far as me and him I have one very sad memory. He was alway drunk and putting my mom down in any way possible. Not only was he an alcoholic I'm 99.9% he did other drugs because his mood could be just screaming and then go to hitting my mom. I just remember squinting my eyes and ears to stop myself from hearing what was happening. That also became a mechanism that I still use till this day. The day came where we all had enough and we left while he was in the shower. We packed a few bags of clothes and we drove off.
After we left my dad things became better but we definitely had our challenges. Now I was the big sister- daughter that spoke english. God always has our backs and we always had something to eat and a roof over our heads. That will alway be an amazing experience. I never liked to ask my mom for anything so instead I would ask her cleaning house clients for work. Yes at 8 years old I was going around neighborhoods asking people if they needed someone to clean their house. I had to grow up faster than most kids because I had major responsibilities. My mom made it a priority to have us with her as much as possible so she could watch and hear everything we did. Let's just say that while all the kids went on vacations and parks we were helping my mom clean houses lol. We sure learned to work and do out part at a long age. We never had a permanent home so moving every year was part of our lives. Imagine that.. being a girl that couldn't get comfortable had me feeling some type of way about who I was. I didn't have the same things going on in my life so i really couldn't relate. This went on all the way to junior high and I was ok with it by then. I just did me and anything that could help me be a kid again was what I loved having around me. That being orcas, princess diary movies and Home alone. I found ways to think about a future of happiness.
let's go back to when i was about 10 years old for a second. My mom did meet someone eventually and he was a great man and great people some times are to nice and open their home to friends in need,That's exactly what happened then. My step dad at the time invited a friend to stay with us and It happened again.... he ruined my hope of a better tomorrow. I remember this a lot better than Mexico so I definitely don't like to think about this. It had been years since I saw my mom happy and the thought of me ruining it was not an option for me. We need to make sure our daughters know that they have to tell us these things no matter what!! I felt confused and betrayed for so long. This is the first time I talk about it and the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm strong enough to bring it into the light and make something out of it. I want to be part of a movement that tells young girls that they need to speak up and not deal with this alone. It's killed me inside for so long and only God healed my heart and mind<3.
I chose to not let my past determine who I became. I want to be free and love everyday of my life. With God's help all things are possible! I left all my past behind and I chose not to go with what society does because that doesn't make me happy. like guys.. have I ever been normal? lol I was cleaning and working for my things at the age of 8. It all made me more compassionate and understanding to others struggles. I want to leave a legacy behind and not allow anyone that crosses my path to face things alone.
Thank You if you read the whole blog. I love yall so much and I know your worth going down memory lane and break down why I've always been an outcast. I believe that life is precious and you have to be yourself 100% in order to live your life purpose. There's no one like you so own it !